Visit from your college student

The “cannot stand still visit from college” with the whole family!

Hello Everyone,

So after years of working out visitations, our children go to college and they are the ones who decide which parent to visit during time off.  In many cases, this is not easily done.

You may want your child to visit just you and not the other parent, especially if you are paying for the return home. Be careful of this. Your child may not want to deal with the conflict and potential hurt feelings, so he or she will decline the offer to visit. If you place undue stress and burden on your children, there will be consequences. Consider the generous suggestion that the child visit the other parent and make sure there is communication with the other parent. Remember, your child will likely want to make their own choices at this point in the divorce, do everything you can to make it a peaceful visit.

Here are some things to consider:

1) For our children who do not want to be placed in the middle and will avoid that type of situation, communicate with everyone involved and make prearranged plans. For example, make dinner plans and let them know when and where that will be. Allow the other parent to pick an activity that is specific in time and place.

2) If everyone gets along at this point, plan an event that involves everyone.

3) If your child has proven to be a very independent person who wants to make all of their own decisions, let them. Allow them to decide on their own schedule and communicate with them what you would like.

4) If your child likes some guidelines but not have complete control, give them an idea of the choices and let them decide. This is perfect for our children who like some structure and ideas but enjoys the freedom of making  decisions on their own.

5) As with everything, communication the key. Make sure everyone has the option of being involved.

6) Know your child, know the other parent, know yourself and be the person you know you can be and not place more stress on your children.  College is hard enough.  They will want to come home and get good food, sleep in a comfortable bed and  take a shower in a private bathroom.  With your help, you can give them something that they want and need.

This situation is another reason that I love doing what I do with regards to the Birkman.It is very clear as to how your children will want to handle these situations.

You do not want to tell your child who wants to make all of their own decisions your personal demands. Nor do you want to tell your child that needs guidelines that they can do whatever they want. The proven effective assessment that I am certified to administer will answer questions about your children that you are not certain about. Do they want just ideas and options? Do they want to be told exactly what to do? Do they like to avoid anything that causes them stress? I know, as a parent, I want to know with certainty. So with three of my children in college, I know who needs suggestions, who needs guidelines and who needs to know exactly what to do.  They are different and with my “mom knowledge” and the Birkman, I know exactly what works best for them.  It has proven to be a great thing but not as great as seeing my children when they come home from college.

Enjoy.

Ivy L.