ONE Family

 Here is a truth about blending a family.  I would like to give you a vision of calm etiquette; but I am a truth seeker; so, I would be a hypocrite if I did not tell the truth about blending a family.

I look for the truth everywhere I go, with little regard to the outcome.  I share this notion, correct or not, that truth will set you free.  I have a magnet on my refrigerator with a quote by Gandhi, which reflects my thought process and my purpose in one sentence: “There is no God higher than truth.”

Here is the flaw in my belief system: Everybody has their own version of truth. So I learned to be gentle, explore and make sure my ideas of the truth are accurate before dedicating myself to it. Here is the dilemma; I can see emotions in others like people can see clouds in the sky.  Since I believe in what I see, I believe that I see the truth.

If I walk into a room and someone is very nice to me, I get a glimpse of what is really going on.  This person may be polite on the outside; but if I see a conflict in what they are actually feeling, I am compelled to seek the truth.  Not everyone wants to acknowledge the truth and they cannot see it until they are ready.  To me the truth is worth seeing not because it is real but because without it there is no real love.

Will the truth set you free?  It can, but doesn’t always. If people are not ready, then harm will come their way in the form of hurt. Hurt can lead to despair and despair can be far more powerful than the strength to overcome it. So is it worth it?

I do not know with certainty, but I do not know any other way to live; so my purpose is to seek the truth, approach it, acknowledge it and gently find a way for it to be discovered by anyone involved. Then, I just have to have faith that the overall results will net a positive effect. (I used to slam people with what I saw, but that was something I had to learn to tame; it was too harsh and made people run further away.)

So that is me.

Now throw a family into that.

I once read an actress say that her family discussed everything, convinced that there was a deeper issue to everything and she said that, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”

Not in my life.  In my life, there is a reason you are holding onto a cigar in the first place.  Let’s face it, they are not a healthy habit regardless how relaxing they may be.

So that is me and my family.

Now throw a blended family in there.

A blended family consists of personalities that are heavily involved in your life and although they physically do not live in the home; they are there emotionally.

In other words, when I married my husband who has a former wife, I married her too, at the exact same time. To think that I just became involved with my husband and married him, would be a lie.  The truth is “R” came along with my partner in life. This is a truth to family blending. (A-truth)

Not only did I marry him, I became an uninvited guest in the emotional home of the children they had together. I was excited about this adventure and was ready for the hardships that would come along. Not really, (A-truth) does anyone really want to have a hurdle like this in their life?  I really love children and I feel like a mother to every child I encounter.  I am built that way, which is who I am.  But the dilemma is that I was not allowed to be their mom (A-truth)  That role was taken and it was not going to be shared under any circumstances.  When I quoted, “it takes a village to raise a child.” that was a truth that was not going to be accepted, ever – regardless of the agreeable nods.

However, I knew more than anything else, that I was going to be a mother to all of my children, regardless of their birth details. I also knew that a child could not get too much love or too much caring for. To me the truth laid in my heart and soul.  All children need loving and there can be no fear of being accused of not knowing my place, according to social standards.(A-truth) There is no room for egos when it comes to caring for all of the children in the world. (A-truth) I was not going to let the words, “they are not your biological children.” or “they already have a mother.” or “that is not your place.” to flip me out.  If I did that, I would be feeding egos that had a need to be right instead of feeding children all the love I can give them. I knew my place and still do.

However, I also knew that I was not going to have a lot of family or friends on board for this one because it was too much to accept, understandably so.  However, I knew it to be the truth. I did not have the luxury to let this truth be buried in the world of egos. Actually, no one in a similar circumstance has that luxury. (A-truth)

So, I moved forward with what I knew to be the right thing and anyone who wanted to join was more than welcome.

To live this belief, I did things that the books did not recommend. I did things that I never thought were options because it was out of the norm. I just knew that I had to follow my inner voice in every unique situation and not deviate. It was a profound way of encountering unknown territory. You have to follow your own internal voice because you are less likely to be convinced to leave your path due to an absence of confidence in what you are doing.  The gift to your internal voice is that it comes with an insulation of confidence, albeit very thin. (A-truth)

My blended family is one family.  If it takes a village to raise a child, then there is no other way to view your family other than as ONE family which INCLUDES those who do not physically live in the home. My former husband and his wife are part of this ONE family, as is my husband’s former wife and her partner. Because I know that it takes a village to raise a child and I accept that my family includes an extension of living relationships that exist under another title, my family is ONE big family. (A-truth) 

To go one step further, to me, the truth is that the usage of the word “blended” family is the equivalent of standing in the middle of a staircase and not striving to get to the floor above you. That floor is a place that other families stand, especially families who have not experienced any separation. Once you view your family as ONE-family, regardless the emotional baggage and hardships, you will live a truth which will actually set you free so you can get to the floor above you.

So, Blendedways.com is not about blended families being a blended family.  It is about ways that blending families are ONE-family. And it is about the incredibly important notion of becoming ONE-family.

One day, when people ask about your family,  your response will be that you are ONE-family with many extensions. You are ONE-family. (A-truth) That is truth.  There is no need to take a gentle stance on something so difficult.  It is time to get off the staircase and get to the top of the floor like other families.  You are ONE-family. No need to take a step below that. (A-truth)

Ivy L.